When My Thoughts Don’t Let Me Sleep

It was 3 a.m. and my thoughts wouldn’t let me sleep. I tossed and turned, and nothing but my thoughts happened. At the time I didn’t know what was wrong so I got up and took my journal and a pen. And then, as I started writing, I realized I’m going down the black hole. Again.

January 13, 2019.
3:01 a.m.

I haven’t had a positive thought in my mind for so long.

I can’t remember since when. Maybe it’s been a few weeks already. I thought I was fine. I’m not anxious, nor depressed, but then why has my everyday been the same: a storm of endless worries and negative views about myself and others.

I’m back to self-destruct mode.

I’m living just to see myself constantly fail and rejoice in the fact that I deserve it. This is my mind every day even BEFORE opening my eyelids:

ihavesomuchtodo.ineedthisandthatfortheblog.
iwillprobablyDROPTITsoonanyways.
gottaworkoutbeforethenewjobmakesmeFAT.whydoihaveapreggybelly.
amIpregnantorjustFATandUGLY.mylovelifeisahugeMESS.
i’maHORRIBLEpersonandionlyPUSHpeopleAWAY.i’mprobablygoingto
FAILthetrainingatworkbecausei’mtooSTUPIDtoretaininformation.
it’sTOOMUCHformetoprocess.i’msoLONELY.nope,i’mNEEDY.iwished
myroomatecleanedwhydoIhavetocleadeverysingleday.thishouseisa
MESS.icantliveherebutimprobablygonnaDIEinthisFILTHHOLE.
RELAX, COΓ‘O, RELAX!

*cries a little*
*wipes tears*
*breathes*

Every. Single. Day. They come and go quickly, giving me no time to catch them and invalidate them. They just go ahead and enter my mind without permission, choose a corner and later on randomly decide to run around and poke my brain everywhere they please. I can’t catch them….not yet.

I’d give all my possessions to live a day when I don’t have a negative thought about myself or the world around me. Everything. I am just so tired.

I went back to bed, and surprisingly got a decent amount of sleep. I’m aware none of it it’s true and that was only my tired mind under stress and premenstrual dysphoric disorder on top of my high-functioning depression.

I will be fine, again. Because nothing my depressive mind wants me to think has an inch of truth in it. πŸ™‚

Stay aware, pineapples!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s