Oh what a time to be alive! This stay-at-home order, the fear of what is happening and what the next normalcy will look like once we make it through the hardest times is crazy. Being an ambivert myself, I didn’t know how much of it would affect me but once I started spending all of my time inside with no job (since I was in the middle of changing jobs when all this started); and then my anxiety and depression started to take over, no doubt being inside became quite the challenge.
I normally go outside to my favorite places to just be outside and distracted, even if I don’t even talk to one single human because I love the freedom of being outside: the space, the ability to breathe and stretch and not feel confined!
I suddenly found myself with so much time in my hands, but the depression left me with no strength to do any of it. I started doing yoga, sewing, reading, organizing what was still around from when we moved. I sewed face masks for family and friends, to cope with the feeling of hopelessness.
But one day I woke up with only enough energy to make coffee. It was the only thing I wanted to do that still made sense in my brain. The rest of the week flew by and I literally did nothing.
These are times that fear is constantly present wherever we go, and as someone with a mental illness these are even scarier times. I was scared I couldn’t talk to my therapist but managed to get one virtual visit with her which helped me gain some perspective and gave me some peace of mind. That reminder from an external person that knows all the million things I’ve been through but still believes in me and that I can make it through these times. Even with the extra battle that my brain gives me in the middle of the chaos.
Currently no one has the answer of how we will make it through but I’m happy to say I’m trying my best to take it day by day. Literally one day at a time is how I’m able to maintain my sanity stable enough to make it to the next one!
I just needed to say it somewhere as a reminder that even if I feel like the ship is sinking, we still know how to swim ashore. As long as we are being safe and don’t give up we will make it through. Now to continue the journey into the unknown of the rest of 2020.
It has been quite busy these past few weeks. Busy all the time! Non-stop. Today, I was finally able to keep my day off and not run to pick up extra hours. I slept in, relaxed in bed and then looked at my phone. After less than 10 seconds, I saw an article about an actress I really like and admire: Evan Rachel Wood. I clicked on the article and was immediately drawn to it.
I love dressing up! There’s no way around it and everyone that has seen me for more than once is well aware of this fact. No one tells me how to dress or how to blend into the walls anymore. It has become part of my identity and one way I express myself in my daily life.
As this year comes to an end, we all start to feel the pressure of reflecting on the goals we had in mind at the start of the year; only to find that we failed to accomplish most of them. It’s easy to get lost in thought and freak out because we didn’t lose the weight we wanted, we didn’t travel as much as we desired, we never signed up for that paint class or dance class or we didn’t improve our social interactions.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! It’s the holiday season! So many parties, presents, decorations and mainly so many happy people…
This is what you get sold all around once this season comes when the reality can be so much different. I used to love the holiday season, for me being always about the thought of spending it with loved ones and create with them lasting memories.
All that changed for me a few years back when the person I was with made me feel guilty about getting excited about so many things I loved and enjoyed, one of them being the holiday season. He always said he didn’t like to celebrate it and that he only did it for his kids, but never cared to celebrate it in any other way. This was the mindset I was in for four years. I succumbed to just forget about it since I had no energy to try and fight with him and celebrate on my own. Overtime I let the depression take away those silly things that I enjoyed.
Now I’m slowly healing and working on that inner “Grinch” left in me. I want to stop feeling guilty about celebrating the holidays the way I always felt like. For me it was never about religion, or buying material things. I lived for the promise of spending time together with people I loved; from my blood relatives to my chosen family of friends. This year, the guilt has diminished enough that I was actually excited to put the tree up with Khey. We had a blast trying to decide where to put things and how to make it look. It was fun to disconnect from the world and just be us, silly girls trying to figure this out together. These are the kind of memories I identify with the holidays.
Happy holidays! My Holiday Spirit is back and ready to have more fun memories without feeling guilty about it.