I’m Back at my Job and I guess I’m lucky?

So happy…

Finally I’m back at my job!

That’s great…it really is. Can’t way to go back to my lovely workplace and enjoy myself.

Eh…well…

More like I can’t wait to worry less about money. If I usually stressed about money, having no income it’s even more stressful. Florida’s reemployment has yet to reply me, nevermind I applied for unemployment benefits on April 10, 2020, more than a month ago. Friends that have applied after me have already gotten at least one paycheck. I’m still waiting, fearful I might not be able to pay rent on June.

And so, when the boss called me telling me she had a job for me, I accepted without a doubt.

The job is far from my last position and it was a demotion almost equivalent to being a security guard and, although I never imagined myself doing a job like that, at least I’m thankful to the company for thinking of me and offering me the opportunity.

Right?

At least the view is pretty sometimes

Reality is, I’m only thankful to be earning money in these desperate times. After I hung up the phone my heart shrunk a little. I was about to go back to a company that got rid of most its employees. Just like many companies. Problem is, I knew how some of those faces looked like. Those faces have names and wonderful personalities.

I felt like a traitor.

I texted my ex coworker and friend about them calling me back. She was happy for me but I felt immensely guilty for accepting their offer. The company laid off all of my previous teammates without mercy. Those people that gave 12 years of their lives away in those filthy counters, being yelled by customers all day, everyday, and all for pennies; all gone.

I guess it’s something that happens when you work for corporate America. That’s why it blows my mind that people spend so many years working for a single company. A company that can easily get rid of you in desperate times because you’re just a body to them.

Yes, a body.

I was out of work for a month, and for a month I planned to never go back to a company that left all my friends in misery. Not in the air like they were, but in a difficult and hopeless situation. In order to be back at the company they must reapply and be happy with a much lower starting salary and no benefits. You can see how much they think their employees are worth.

I understand being laid off because a company can’t afford you. But I am well aware that those that were first laid off were those that have been in the company the longest. And then when they called me to go back I was also aware I was the first one to be called despite being the newest in the team and therefore the least seniority.

And yes, I am extremely fortunate to have a job nowadays. Extremely.

However, in the back of my mind I still have my friends who worked as hard as I did, some even more. And I do not feel proud for being back.

We live in a world ruled by corporations. Where the employees are not valuable and are given no choice but to participate in a system designed to keep them poor. Where the wealthiest will stay rich and the poor will always be poor.

Into the Unknown…

Oh what a time to be alive! This stay-at-home order, the fear of what is happening and what the next normalcy will look like once we make it through the hardest times is crazy. Being an ambivert myself, I didn’t know how much of it would affect me but once I started spending all of my time inside with no job (since I was in the middle of changing jobs when all this started); and then my anxiety and depression started to take over, no doubt being inside became quite the challenge.

I normally go outside to my favorite places to just be outside and distracted, even if I don’t even talk to one single human because I love the freedom of being outside: the space, the ability to breathe and stretch and not feel confined! 

Ready for night yoga

I suddenly found myself with so much time in my hands, but the depression left me with no strength to do any of it. I started doing yoga, sewing, reading, organizing what was still around from when we moved. I sewed face masks for family and friends, to cope with the feeling of hopelessness.

But one day I woke up with only enough energy to make coffee. It was the only thing I wanted to do that still made sense in my brain. The rest of the week flew by and I literally did nothing.

These are times that fear is constantly present wherever we go, and as someone with a mental illness these are even scarier times. I was scared I couldn’t talk to my therapist but managed to get one virtual visit with her which helped me gain some perspective and gave me some peace of mind. That reminder from an external person that knows all the million things I’ve been through but still believes in me and that I can make it through these times. Even with the extra battle that my brain gives me in the middle of the chaos.

Currently no one has the answer of how we will make it through but I’m happy to say I’m trying my best to take it day by day. Literally one day at a time is how I’m able to maintain my sanity stable enough to make it to the next one!

I just needed to say it somewhere as a reminder that even if I feel like the ship is sinking, we still know how to swim ashore. As long as we are being safe and don’t give up we will make it through. Now to continue the journey into the unknown of the rest of 2020.

Stay healthy, pineapple!

The End of the World (a rant…sort of)

Waiting for the end of the world.

I was listening to Residente’s Apocalíptico on YouTube yesterday, and I couldn’t help but think about its message and the situation humanity faces right now.

In the song he describes the state of the world as it faces its inevitable end. Not like I believe this is the end of times, but it sure is a test for humanity.

Last time I went to Walmart it was a week before the lockdown here in Orlando, what an error I should’ve known better. I feel so silly now that I think about it, why did I even thought it was a good idea to go to Walmart when people are fighting over toilet paper?

Anyways, I strolled down, more like squeezed myself in between carts full of items that I’d like to say were all containing different household items, but many seemed to be the same item duplicated by three.

I was only there for toothpaste, only to find empty shelves with one brand of toothpaste left: Sensodyne. Not even in desperate times people will pay $6 for a tube of fluoride.

Behold the last toothpaste left in the world.

A guy came to the aisle, he was holding a single soap bar tightly in his hand and, after putting his hands in the air with defeat, said “Are you kidding me? Not only soap but toothpaste too?”. He bent and found some in the last shelf and told me there was one left. I grabbed it and ran to the vitamin aisle.

Again I was facing empty shelves. There were barely iron supplements left. Really? Does anyone else suffer from anemia like I do? Apparently so.

I left immediately after that. With only two things in my bag, feeling like the only sane person in Orlando at the moment.

If only a stranger and me were the only ones calm in the whole Walmart, what does that have to say about humanity?

I spent too much time working as a customer service representative*, I’ve seen people lose it over the silliest shit. I’ve seen people be awful for not reason other than to step on you, or because they enjoy spreading their misery. And, one thing is to be angry because you’ve had a bad day, but another is to treat others as garbage because it’s a habit you’ve created and now it’s too late to be fixed.

I have seen and experienced so little and yet it feels like a lot.

It feels as in all the disgusting side of humans is deeply rooted in their souls and there is no retreat that can save them. No mountain in the Himalayas that can change them for the better.

I put my grain in this world everyday. I’m as eco-friendly as I can be and I make sure everyone I talk to feels listened to and appreciated.

Still, I don’t understand how others can be so selfish in every single aspect of their lives. How they act like animals as if they had no ability to rationalize. Unable to stay calm and let compassion be the base of their decisions.

But then again I’ve seen people act in their rawest forms so why am I even surprised anymore.

I have to do as Residente’s song message and wait for the end with arms wide open. Because after all, we humans will be here to behold all the damaged we caused

End of rant.

*puke

😀

When Will We Ever Stop

I often wonder if we’ll work non-stop all of our lives.

I tried to take a picture but…who has time to stop and take photos. We had places to be at.

We sacrifice ourselves in order to obtain material stuff, to go on vacations, to get tattoos, but most of our days we spent doing a mindless, meaningless job.

And the days we do “rest”, we have a thousand things to do before actual relax time. A moment that never comes because there aren’t enough hours in a day.

There aren’t enough hours in a lifetime it seems.

Will we ever regret this lifestyle that we’ve fallen into?

Holiday spirit after dating a “Grinch”

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! It’s the holiday season! So many parties, presents, decorations and mainly so many happy people…

This is what you get sold all around once this season comes when the reality can be so much different. I used to love the holiday season, for me being always about the thought of spending it with loved ones and create with them lasting memories.
All that changed for me a few years back when the person I was with made me feel guilty about getting excited about so many things I loved and enjoyed, one of them being the holiday season. He always said he didn’t like to celebrate it and that he only did it for his kids, but never cared to celebrate it in any other way. This was the mindset I was in for four years. I succumbed to just forget about it since I had no energy to try and fight with him and celebrate on my own. Overtime I let the depression take away those silly things that I enjoyed.

Now I’m slowly healing and working on that inner “Grinch” left in me. I want to stop feeling guilty about celebrating the holidays the way I always felt like. For me it was never about religion, or buying material things. I lived for the promise of spending time together with people I loved; from my blood relatives to my chosen family of friends. This year, the guilt has diminished enough that I was actually excited to put the tree up with Khey. We had a blast trying to decide where to put things and how to make it look. It was fun to disconnect from the world and just be us, silly girls trying to figure this out together. These are the kind of memories I identify with the holidays.

xmas18 (2)
Happy holidays! My Holiday Spirit is back and ready to have more fun memories without feeling guilty about it.