Indecision is one of the most annoying depression symptoms. Feeling unable to decide whether or not to go to work, or what clothes should I wear, or what to study. Granted, we all face indecision probably daily in our lives, but when depression is constantly on our shoulders the task of making a decision is sometimes unbearable. The simplest decision could make us unresponsive, unable to move because we’re just so afraid of the consequences we might face. And when this is accompanied by anxiety, it’s a matter of which decision would lead me to the less painful scenario.
It has been quite busy these past few weeks. Busy all the time! Non-stop. Today, I was finally able to keep my day off and not run to pick up extra hours. I slept in, relaxed in bed and then looked at my phone. After less than 10 seconds, I saw an article about an actress I really like and admire: Evan Rachel Wood. I clicked on the article and was immediately drawn to it.
Honestly, today is one of those days when getting out of the door seems like mission impossible. I picked up a blanket, made myself some coffee and started watching The Golden Girls. Whenever I immerse myself in the lives of Rose, Blanche, Dorothy and Sophia, I end up laughing in the face of uncomfortable subjects and situations that could very well happen to most of us. Watching them is one of the things Astrid and I love to do when we’re feeling really down. When there’s nothing but stress and lack of motivation, we sit down with a cup of coffee and watch The Golden Girls.
I feel like I’m on trial. The training for the new job is causing me to wake up every day irritated and a bit anxious about the situation. Somehow I passed two assessments already but, if I don’t pass the third and last one then that’s it, I’m out. I feel a huge boulder on my chest and I find myself incessantly tapping my feet to an imaginary beat when I’m at the training classroom. I’m nervous I won’t be smart enough for the job, anxious I’ll end up unemployed. I replay different worst-case scenarios in my head daily, coming up with new ones every day!