I finally got a new job. After months of applying to different jobs and getting “Thanks, but no thanks” emails. After practicing in front of a mirror how to introduce myself a hundred times, and how to smile a hundred more times. Not to mention preparing myself for all the stereotypical questions and uncomfortable moments knowing that most of the answers I’m giving are all staged. They’re the result of multiple drafts that end up being exaggerated truths. *coughwhosaidthatcough* However, sometimes despite the trouble I get the job and it’s time to celebrate!
Self-acceptance is a roller coaster and, when we’re in the pit of despair, it’s just so hard to accept who we are. Whenever we’re there the brain engages in self-loathing and, after it’s done, we feel like a hurricane just passed by and now we have to pick up the mess, again.
My eyes opened after only four hours of rest. And the thing is, when insomnia is constantly present in your life, there’s no going back to sleep. I remember waking up in the middle of the night a few times, glancing around and realizing that I still have more time to rest. It’s becoming a routine where at first the body feels too tired to even move, so I stay in bed hoping for sleep to come back, one hour later I feel the same, if not worse, and I still haven’t been able to sleep. I’m left with no other option but to get up and start the day with whatever energy I’ve accumulated.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! It’s the holiday season! So many parties, presents, decorations and mainly so many happy people…
This is what you get sold all around once this season comes when the reality can be so much different. I used to love the holiday season, for me being always about the thought of spending it with loved ones and create with them lasting memories.
All that changed for me a few years back when the person I was with made me feel guilty about getting excited about so many things I loved and enjoyed, one of them being the holiday season. He always said he didn’t like to celebrate it and that he only did it for his kids, but never cared to celebrate it in any other way. This was the mindset I was in for four years. I succumbed to just forget about it since I had no energy to try and fight with him and celebrate on my own. Overtime I let the depression take away those silly things that I enjoyed.
Now I’m slowly healing and working on that inner “Grinch” left in me. I want to stop feeling guilty about celebrating the holidays the way I always felt like. For me it was never about religion, or buying material things. I lived for the promise of spending time together with people I loved; from my blood relatives to my chosen family of friends. This year, the guilt has diminished enough that I was actually excited to put the tree up with Khey. We had a blast trying to decide where to put things and how to make it look. It was fun to disconnect from the world and just be us, silly girls trying to figure this out together. These are the kind of memories I identify with the holidays.
Happy holidays! My Holiday Spirit is back and ready to have more fun memories without feeling guilty about it.
Unlike most Tuesdays it was a busy day at the airport. I was in the middle of my shift and irritated already. Looking for ways to avoid interaction with the guests I ran into the big boss and gave him a nod to let him know I recognized his presence. This wasn’t enough for him.